Wednesday, 8 May 2013


I drafted this over 12 months ago. I didn't finish it. I am finishing it now.
Its wishy washy. I am sorry. Random thoughts. Some of them 2 years old!
But here goes.

I don't know how common of knowledge it is, but Nath and I underwent IVF to conceive our angel. While going through it, I didn't think we'd ever get pregnant or honestly if our marriage could take it. But we did.
IVF is shit, and I suppose we were a little naive about it all.
But now, if anyone was to tell me now that they have to go down that path I'd hug them and cry.

During our journey, Nath and I fought, a lot.
I didn't think he understood, and in a way, he didn't. He felt helpless, and he was. I did all my own injections, I took myself to get my blood tests and ultrasounds every second day (the whole process is VERY invasive), and he just held my hand or watched me cry. And I cried, a lot.
It's not that he didn't care, he did. Too much I think. I know he hated watching me in pain. Physically or emotionally. And being helpless, made him angry.
The first try, we expected it to work, I mean, why wouldn't it. We'd been tested. We were fine. We were young. We weren't over weight. There was no reason as to why it wouldn't.
IVF called on a hot November morning, it didn't work. I hurt. Nathan hurt. A pain that you can't describe.
We still had a frozen embryo, so we didn't want to waste any time, we tried again.
That call we got on Valentine's day. It didn't work. Again.
My beautiful doctor called me, he couldn't explain why it wasn't working. If a doctor can't explain, then why isn't working. I suppose in hindsight it just wasn't meant to be.
We decided to have a break, just until we were ready again,
Ready meant being ready for the injections and the tests and the scans and the pain, all over again. And who knew when we were ready for that.

April. We decided in April we would try just one more time.
So we started the injections, the tests. The emotions. All over again.
I went to acupuncture, Nathan (and probably everybody else) thought I was crazy. I didn't. I needed to do it. I loved it. Nathan thought I was getting my hopes up to high. Maybe I was. I don't know. But you do things when you are desperate.
Saturday 7 May 2011, IVF called, they had one embryo ready to go, did we want it, or did we want to wait until the others one were big enough? I didn't hesitate. I told them we would be there in half and hour to get pregnant.
When we were ready to go in, they told us that this was a girl. I didn't mind. I just prayed that it worked.
And then then we waited. for 11 long days.
On the 10th day, I had period pains. I was convinced. So convinced that I was getting my period that I cried the whole way home on the train. I was so distraught that a lovely lady gave me some tissues and said it must be boy problems. How I wished it was boy problems, and not the thought of IVF not working again.
I was cranky when I saw Nathan. "The lady on the train thinks I have boy problems, I want to have boy problems, but instead I am not pregnant, still".
I couldn't face going to have my blood test the next day, what for? They were going to tell me what I thought I already knew.
18 May. I went, I arrived late. Unenthusiastic. I told them to call Nathan. I didn't want to hear it.
They normally called at lunch time. My phone rang, just after 10. It was IVF. Why didn't they listen? Why didn't Nathan answer. All these things were going through my head.
My favourite nurse, on the other end "Melissa, its Robyn, I know you wanted us to call Nathan. But I needed to tell you myself........ You're pregnant!!!!"
I am pretty sure my heart stopped. I thought she was joking. She wasn't. She promised she wouldn't joke about something like that. Calling Nathan was funny, looking back. Me: Hi, IVF just called. Nathan: Why don't they listen, we told them to call me...." Me: I know. I know. But.. Nathan: *insert whinge here* Me: I'm pregnant!!! Nathan: OMG. Are you? What do we do now?" lol.

And then we were pregnant....

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